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Love The Children - And Thyself
By Dr. Cathy Moser
So many times we hear conflicting stories of how to best parent our children. But one credo is consistent across all - love your children unconditionally. What does that really mean? Of course, the Webster Dictionary definition doesn't help us much - 'unconditional: without conditions or reservations; absolute'. Does that mean that we should love our children even when they make mistakes and engage in horribly wrong actions like drugs, alcohol, and crime? What about not so horrible actions, like 60s and 70s at school, hanging out with the wrong people, or even being a slob and leaving all of their empty dishes strewn throughout the house and dirty clothes and various other personal effects an inch thick on their bedroom floor (can you tell I have teenagers?).
It is sometimes hard to 'feel the lovin' when our expectations are not met and when we are disappointed. Unfortunately, that is the way we are wired - it's hard not to show disappointment when the people we love are making what we think are mistakes or when they are not achieving to what we think is their potential. One thing I do know is that it is not good parenting practice to withdraw love when our loved ones do not meet our expectations. This is exactly how children get the feeling that our love is conditional. And when our children grow up with conditional love, they most often develop fragile egos......anxiety and depression ensue. In other words, anxiety develops when our children feel that they are more or less worthy depending on their performance and whether or not we approve of their actions.
It seems like a no-win situation. We are suppose to have high expectations for our children - they can't rise to higher heights if the bar is set very low. Moreover, when we don't have high expectations, we may be giving them the message that we don't have the confidence that they can do great things. So we have to expect SOMETHING! On the other hand, if we have reasonable expectations, and they don't meet those expectations (which is an unavoidable part of growing up and breathing), are we setting them up to feel conditional love? Oy Vey...nobody said that this parenting business was an easy one.
Now, to top it off, I am going to add in even one more variable. The truth is, most of us don't even know how to unconditionally love ourselves. So how could we even begin to unconditionally love someone else? Think about it..... do you unconditionally love yourself? or do you put conditions on your self-worth? (I'm successful if I make X amount of dollars this year; I'm a good parent if my child graduates and goes on to be successful in life; I will feel good today if I get through my list of to do's or the pile of paper on my desk; I will feel really good about myself if I get into my size X dress/pants). How often do you hear the voice in your head judging your actions - saying 'you idiot, why did you do that?' or 'what a loser' or you could have done better than that'..... I challenge you to listen to that judgmental voice that is constantly pushing you to work harder or telling you that you are not good enough. It's scary. Even as we speak, I ask myself 'self -is this the best you can do? do you think they'll understand what you're saying? maybe if you put a little more time into the article, it would make infinitely more sense'.
It is that same judgmental voice that asks my child the question 'did you try your best?' and says things like 'if this is what you get without much effort, can you imagine how amazing it would have been if you had put more work into it '. That is the same critical voice that leaves us with that lingering feeling that what we did was not good enough, and that we could always do better if we tried a little harder. Not the best way to feel that inner sense of contentment, self-worth, and happiness.
If you've read my column before, you might know that I'm all about healing thyself before trying to heal another. I've been working really hard at unconditionally loving myself these past few years. When I look in the mirror at my yoga class, I hear that inner voice saying 'wow, look how flabby those arms have gotten'. Then, my inner therapist yells 'SHUT UP, you are a beautiful person even with flabby arms'. When I write an article that I think could be more eloquently written, my inner therapist pipes in 'hey, you did the best you could for this moment in time.....if you spent another two hours on it, it might be better, or... it might be too wordy and too confusing..... and maybe the cost of missing out with your family would outweigh the added benefits of the extra hours you put it.' I am getting really good at this unconditional love thing. Menopause has been extremely helpful. Whenever I forget something, mix something up, or get that deer in the headlights feeling- I just tell myself that it's menopause brain, it will get better, and even if I do screw up once in a while, I mean well.
Once we have an idea of what it means to unconditionally love ourselves, we can begin to figure out how to love our children, and teach them to love themselves. And once they love themselves - THAT is when they will shine so bright that they will illuminate the path for us all.
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