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Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canada
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Winter Holidays - Are we going to Dys function or Dat one?

By Dr. Cathy Moser

'Why did I ever do that' is a comment that starts off many of my sessions in the first weeks of January. We all look forward to the holidays in the worst way (some of us look forward to it in the worst way and others look forward to it in the WORST WAY). And yet, for some people, the anxiety of preparing for a family gathering is overwhelming. Perfectionists are doomed - they can never please everybody and the final product of the event that they worked so hard to put on is rarely as seamlessly perfect as was imagined to be. 'Are they going to like this present'...'am I spending too much/little on them'....'is so and so going to behave'.....'is so and so going to drink too much and spoil everything'....'are they going to be disappointed'....'how are we ever going to pay for all this'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I can say is..... anxiety gets a lot of exposure/play time in December (btw Depression is even more prevalent around holiday time, but we'll save that for another column). Of course, even for the perfectionists, the 'day after hangover' brings some acknowledgement that there were many positive things that occurred, and maybe it wasn't as bad as it was imagined to be.

You realize... the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and thinking that this time, the outcome will be different. That is why every year, we know that we are going to play out the same scenario; but this time, we believe that it will be better. The reason we buy into this collective delusion is that we really want to have that beautiful family experience. Deep down, we want to all get along. And we keep hoping that one day, we'll get there. Even the most dysfunctional of families that I have ever seen kept doing the same thing over and over (at tremendous cost), hoping that it would be different. In this particular case, the parents had been viciously fighting and on the verge of divorce for several years, and the children were engaged in human warfare against one another. Screaming, shouting, and hitting were all regular occurrences whenever family members were together. Yet they all wanted to go on that family vacation over the holidays - two parents and three almost adult children who were embroiled in hateful conflict with one another (daggers occasionally flying) holed up in a two bedroom condo for two weeks. Definitely not my idea of fun. And yet each year, they continue to spend over ten thousand dollars that they don't have, just so that they can be together. Go figure! It makes sense if you accept the reality that we all just want to have one big happy family.

What are some of the bigees that interfere with holiday happiness? Alcohol is a definitely a major one. Many of my clients who had family members that abused alcohol continue to dread the holiday season thirty years later. Although not as big a damper, anxiety about having everything just right definitely detracts from happiness. It tends to put people on pins and needles, making it difficult to really feel the relaxed love and joy of the holidays. Family feud is another bigee that can make the whole holiday thing pretty tense. Unfortunately, it is pretty common for some members of the extended family to not be talking to another branch. If family members can't put their differences aside for one night and show up to dinner, everyone suffers. Most often, you could cut the tension in the air with a knife- it can be like walking on eggshells. Not so comfortable.... but probably better than not getting together at all.

Probably the most prevalent but least harmful damper on the merriment and joy of is disappointment over the present that was received for Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/Winter Holiday. It is an age of consumerism, and there are way too many options for products that our children just HAVE TO HAVE. Most families have one child who has an overly large sense of entitlement, and it is impossible to keep pleasing them. We wind up resenting them for wanting more instead of being thankful for what they have. I have fallen into this trap on occasion, and it is not a happy place to be. Usually, there is a little guilt feeling underlying the ridiculous parental need to please and appease (e.g., they don't have that many friends - maybe they will feel special if they have this; they don't get a whole lot of stuff the rest of the year - the winter holiday is one time that they will remember and we want it to be a great memory; and the most frequent one - every other kids is probably getting one and our child will feel uncool/unloved/deprived if they don't get it too). By the way, one solution for this dilemma is to accept that you will never be able to please everyone all the time, nor should you try to. Accept that someone will inevitably be disappointed and that is a fact of life. Identifying the disappointment and the desire that was not fulfilled as an opportunity to set a goal to work towards (e.g., maybe you can use your birthday money for that, or save up your allowance, etc.; usually, the feeling that this item is absolutely necessary for healthy living decreases over time). Really, the only way we can combat consumerism is to refrain from feeding the addiction. And even though it feels bad to disappoint, you can feel good about the long term benefits.

One other option to combat consumerism sounds fairly drastic, but I guarantee you, Child and Family Services will not show up at your doorstep, and your children will not be damaged forever. Prior to the holidays, bring up your concerns with the family (e.g., we are wasting so much money on material goods that will please us for moments, be tossed away in days, and provides us with only momentary happiness; there are other ways to spend our money to obtain more gratifying and enduring feelings of fulfilment and happiness). Discuss some of the options, and allow the family to be part of your decisions. Actually, the time to act is now - there are many child initiated charitable organizations that are popping up in Winnipeg , and you can help your child realize that they can make a difference in the lives of people who are less fortunate (go to http://www.metowe.com for an example). Agree on a fund to become involved with - optimally, it will include charitable work throughout the year accompanying the holiday donation. And then, let your children know that they will receive a token gift, but mostly, they will get the gift of giving.

Is it possible to have a happy family experience? Of course - and in fact, many people do have a wonderful time being together over the holidays. Even those that don't have a totally wonderful experience usually have a 'memorable' experience.

Over the years, those awful moments fade, and the memory of the good times strengthen. Sometimes, in the process of trying to achieve that happy family experience, even dysfunctional families realize that they can do better. Actually, that's what some people pay me to help them do - and usually, it isn't a waste of money (sorry, I don't have a money back guarantee). Once a family begins to believe that they can be happier together, and is willing to put in the work - it is entirely possible to become more functional and happier together. The good news is - children always want to be loved by their parents (no matter how awful their parents treat them) and parents always want to have that happy family that they saw on Leave It To Beaver. So, even if it didn't work out exactly right this time......there will be another opportunity next time round.