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Winnipeg, Manitoba
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How you feel about yourself affects your child's self esteem

by Mary Jo Rapini

When we become a parent, we often forget how important it is to keep nurturing and improving ourselves. We invest all of our time into our children and pretty soon we don't recognize ourselves in the mirror. We forget to go for our annual check-ups to the doctor and dentist even though we plan appointments for everyone else in the family. Our hair looks dry and limp.We stop dressing nicely and pretty soon our jogging clothes become our "uniform". This is common, so we tell ourselves its okay. Until one day your child comes home crying, telling you that they "hate themselves". You run to their defense and tell them all the reasons they don't hate themselves. You ask your child why they feel this way and they go into a long litany of the same words and sentences they have heard you say to yourself. "My thighs are fat", "I'm such a loser", "My hair looks like a rat's nest", "I am too fat" or "I am too thin". The list goes on and on.

You thought you were being a good parent because you were putting your children first. But your child saw something else -- he saw a parent who was no longer taking care of themself, was angry, and verbalizing angst at themselves. The child began internalizing your "angst" and began to believe it. This child learned to have low self-esteem because you didn't have healthy self-esteem. You quit respecting and loving yourself. You quit using positive self-talk and instead began to criticize and judge yourself harshly. It is difficult to raise a child with healthy self-esteem if yours is low.

Children who have healthy self-esteem are more successful in school than children with low self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself and your abilities, you will out-perform someone who thinks everything they do is wrong. Self-esteem builds as the child is more successful. Self-esteem is taught at home; parents model it and adjust their behaviors to help children acquire healthy self esteem. What happens if you were not raised by parents who had healthy self-esteem? How can you teach your child to feel good about their abilities when you don't feel good about yours? It isn't easy, but IT IS POSSIBLE.

Tips for raising your child's self-esteem:

1. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. It is important to remember we all make mistakes. Demanding perfection from your children causes them to be anxious and depressed. They feel like they will never be good enough. Start a new rule in your home: it is more important to try to be good enough, than to try and then feel badly about not being perfect. NO ONE IS PERFECT.
   
   
2. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU SAY. Pay attention to what you say to yourself around your children. I promise you that every negative thing you say about yourself your children will repeat about themselves. It is unsettling when you hear it and negative tapes are very difficult to erase. Always talk to yourself nicely when your children are around. (Talk nicely to yourself when they aren't around, too.)
   
   
3. RESPECT. Treat your children and your spouse with respect. That doesn't mean you give in to them, it means you don't interrupt when they are talking and you listen attentively. Address them lovingly. No matter how old your child is, they need to be talked to respectfully.
   
   
4. HUG YOUR CHILD. Hug your child and tell them how much you love them. Teens need as much if not more hugs than small children do. Affection tells your child you love them, and they are worthy of love.
   
   
5. KEEP YOUR PROMISES. Keep your promises to your child. Parents who are never on time or change plans constantly raise children who don't trust. If you cannot trust others, you cannot feel good about yourself. Children of parents who never keep their word feel worthless and abandoned. If you grew up in a home where no one followed through, change that for your child.
   
   
6. GIVE YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITY. Parents must give chores and follow through with consequences if they aren't done. This teaches your child he is part of the family and his work is necessary to help the family. Parents who don't give their children chores raise kids who think they really don't matter to the family. This leads to disengagement of the family.
   
   
7. SHOW INTEREST IN YOUR CHILD'S INTEREST. Any interest your child expresses is an opportunity to raise their self-esteem. Talk to them in regards to their interest. Listen to them. Buy them books, take them to appropriate museums, or join a group with other people who share that interest. When you show interest in your child's interest, you make your child feel valued and important. This encourages them to be more curious. Children with healthy self-esteem are more curious because they aren't afraid to take risks. They believe they will not fail and if they do they will be okay.

Raising healthy children is so important. Being a healthy mom and dad predicts your child's ability to feel good about themselves. If you came from a family that wasn't accepting or affectionate, it can be difficult to teach your child love and acceptance. Never, never ever give up though. Take one small step a day to insure your child's success.

Mary Jo Rapini is a psychotherapist and co-author of the book Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You & Your Mom. This easy-to read, lively, down-to-earth book is definitely teen-friendly and is ideal to help both mothers and daughters have engaging conversations about tough topics.